Taking Responsibility
Addressing negative behaviors without shame
by Johna Hungler on February 24, 2020 Photo by MI PHAM on Unsplash
“He was doing it first!” “She didn’t clean up!” “They were being mean to me!”
These common phrases are statements we hear on a daily basis in an ECE classroom. “Say sorry, don’t do that, I don’t care just apologize” are too often the reaction a teacher or parent may have at that moment. We all have times where we could have handled a situation better, used it as a learning/teaching opportunity, or built empathy from addressing the way our children have communicated their emotions, but I want to focus on the fact that we have begun to dismiss the opportunity to teach children to take responsibility for making the wrong choice. Teaching responsibility for choosing to act out, be mean, say hurtful things, react in an unpleasant manner so that our children can work through these emotions while reflecting on the meaning of their words and the product of their actions.
Now certainly, children do and say things for no reason at all. They are repeating something they heard, they thought it sounded/looked cool, it was something new they were trying out. Children are weird. They are incredibly, undeniably, joyously, so cute I want to eat them up, weird and unpredictable. Teaching them how to make better choices and resolve issues in a more positive way can be a difficult path to navigate at the moment. Here are some tips that I employ inside my classroom to help my students understand that it is okay to make the wrong choice, they are learning. It is okay to have done something hurtful or mean, it is an opportunity to grow. It is okay that they acted out, they have yet to become familiar with social norms and the variety of acceptable behavior (which, let’s admit, is a lifelong process that develops over time and varies on perspective).
Let them know what they’re feeling is valid
Your child is experiencing new emotions, being presented with new and unfamiliar situations on a daily basis as they grow. They are upset over toys because, at that moment, a toy is their number one possession, it belongs to them and they are learning how to share or take turns or communicate their feelings. Let them express this “negative” emotion, accept it, empathize with them, and talk about how they may feel if they were on the other side of the situation. I always say, “In my room, we feel the feelings, we let them surface, and allow the child to fully express themselves because this is a safe space.”
Talk about how each person felt when the hurtful actions or words occurred
Use this opportunity to unite the children. Allow each one to express how they felt to one another, not just to the other adult. For me, this is vital, allow children to look one another in the eye or within close proximity of one another to face our choices and the repercussions of our actions. From here, the teacher or adult can mediate the situation, and assist the children in resolving the issue on their own terms. We are helping our children to make those connections: I was hurt. I acted out. I hurt someone else. How can we move past this?
Explain what it means to take responsibility and apply it to the current situation
When the conversation between the children has begun to settle, this is your opportunity to let the child know that it is okay that they made a choice that hurt someone else. This does not mean to just let that behavior go or agree with their choice, rather it is a part of life that helps us to make better choices in the future. I use the phrase when I am redirecting or correcting behavior, “We’re going to take responsibility for our behavior, it is okay if you made the wrong choice, we’re learning and growing, next time I will make a better choice.” I find that reinforcing this language emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility without shame without casting blame and criticizing. I also reference a time in my own life where I made a wrong choice so that the student and I can feel a connection, a commonality, to show that we all make mistakes or wrong choices. This builds our relationship and trust in one another.
READ, read, read
Read to your child about the emotions they feel, the situations they may be involved in as they grow, and allow them to reflect on the characters in the story. Helping your child to express their emotions is not always easy, especially if we feel shame or embarrassment for our choices.
